a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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