I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My pussy is not your playground.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
