Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
