I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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