My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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