i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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