Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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