Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
