he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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