i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
