So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
