tell your sister to shave her snatch
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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