I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
