Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
