Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
