I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Randomize
