my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
