So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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