i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
