on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
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whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
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I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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