And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
