had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
it's like heaven, but drunker
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
