yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
