I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
