So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
