he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
