So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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