im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
