He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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