he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
