I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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