Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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