Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
