did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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