I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
It's shark week go big or go home
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
