No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
