I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
