Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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