Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
