Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
