I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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