She is in my trunk
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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