He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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