now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
