I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
