you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
