I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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