This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
