Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
