I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
