And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
