So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
