even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
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He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
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Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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