Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
