And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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