On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
