If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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