you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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