Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
What a dumb baby whore.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
