I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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