she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
