we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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