Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
