I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
